My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole all my money. It was my grandfather.
– Jackie Mason
My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song and they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon…and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
From Henny Youngman, King of the One-Liners
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?”
The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
The other day I broke 70. That’s a lot of clubs.
I have a lovely room and bath in a hotel. It’s a little inconvenient, they’re in two separate buildings!
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.